Confrontation – The Thing No One Wants To Do
Injoy Life Club * Dr. John C. Maxwell
It is difficult (2 Corinthians 1:23-24)
Self examination should proceed the confrontation of others (Luke 6:41-42)
Conflict is unavoidable.
Motion causes friction.
“Our underlying premise is that in life we will make adjustments. And by ‘adjustments’ we presuppose that the parties will fundamentally strive to pull together.” (The Art of Japanese Management: Applications for American Executives by Richard Tanner, Pascale and Anthony G Athos, Simon and Schuster, 1981)
Fear of being disliked.
Fear of making something worse.
Fear of rejection.
Pharisee-ism (what we see in others is our problem too).
We’re not used to sharing our feelings.
Lack of confrontation skills.
Winner take all.
“Confrontation destroys trust, love, support.”
Our attitude, not our action, in confrontation determines the future of a relationship.
Walk away from it (Peace at any price…).
“Whenever I am tempted not to act in a difficult personnel situation, I ask myself, ‘Am I holding back for my personal comfort or for the good of the organization?’ If I am doing what makes me comfortable, I am embezzling. If doing what is good for the organization also happens to make me comfortable, that’s wonderful. But if I am treating irresponsibility irresponsibly, I must remember that two wrongs do not make a right.” (Fred Smith)
Whine over it.
“When I complain, I do it because, ‘it’s good to get things off my chest, when you complain, I remind you that griping doesn’t help anybody.” (Sydney Harris)
Wink at it (head in sand approach).
Surprisingly, may times this is the best option to consider. Leaders many times elevate insignificant incidents to the status of significant problems simply by agreeing to discuss the matter further. Since most leaders are not looking for additional work, this option to confrontation can be indeed useful. The insightful leader needs to be aware of which incidents ought to be handled this way and when.
Wade around it (but don’t deal with it).
“White Flag” it.
Quitting is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.
Wack at it (bull in the China shop).
Work at it.
Two-fold responsibility of a Christian leader:
I. To be true to the leadership responsibility they have.
II. To be true to the Scripture.
As Christians we are to be concerned, in a positive sense, about other people.
1- “Each of you should look…to the interest of others.” Phil. 2:43
2- “Be reconciled to your brother.” Matt. 5:23-24
3- “Reprove sin.” Matt. 18:15-17
4- “Spur one another on toward love and good deeds.” Heb. 10:24
5- “Restore with the spirit of gentleness.” Gal. 6:1
6- “Speak the truth in love.” Eph 4:14-16
Note: The words, “admonish, reprove, rebuke and exhort,” are used over 100 times in the Bible.
A better understanding.
“When I’m getting ready to reason with a man, I spend one-third of my time thinking about myself and what I am going to say – and two-thirds thinking about him and what he is going to say.” (Abraham Lincoln)
A positive change.
Let this line represent the norm, the level where things might be if your organization is running from problems.
| Organization |
| Problem |
A problem starts as a small thing, just slightly off the line; allow it to continue and the duration gets worse. Eventually it will hurt the organization.
| Organization |
| Problem |
For our relationship to grow.
Eugene Habecker says, “As Christians, we confront not to embarrass, belittle, tear down, or humiliate. We confront because of our commitment to help others reach their potential including full-fledged stature in Christ. Paul had to say some very difficult things to the readers of his letters, but it was because of his unwavering bottom line commitment to people: And we pray this in order that you may live a life worth of the Lord and may please him in every way – bearing fruit in every good work, growing in the knowledge of God.” (Col. 1:10)
Immediately and personally (one on one).
Don’t “gunny-sack.” Gunny-sacking is saving up all your complaints and problems until the bag is full and then dumping it on the person.
Confront with the right spirit (Rom. 12:10, 2 Tim. 2:24, 2 Cor. 10:1, Gal. 6:1).
Leaders must be neither overeager nor too hesitant to confront. Again, I confront not because it makes me feel good but because I, as a leader, am committed to both the organization’s goals and to seeing a brother or sister mature in Christ.
Start on a positive note (affirm the person).
Watch out when people say they agree with you in principle. It usually means they are getting ready to argue.
Outline the problem.
Structure what you need in three parts:
I. WHAT – Describe what the other person is doing to cause you a problem. Example: “You have been coming late to staff meetings.”
II. HOW – Tell how this makes you feel. “And this frustrates me as a leader.”
III. WHY – Tell why this is important to you. “I have been stressing the need to be on time and your tardiness sets a bad example.”
Encourage a response.
The people affected are going to feel shock, bitterness resentment. And they may not spare your feelings by hiding behind a stiff upper lip. Whatever they say – or keep to themselves – they won’t be ready to listen to the reason this is happening to them until they’ve expressed their emotion or had time to swallow the hurt.
Show that you understand the other person’s position.
Repeat or rephrase the person’s explanation.
Explain why their action was wrong.
Ask them to repeat or rephrase why the action was wrong.
Indicate the desired action to be taken.
This places the focus on the future. The person who wants to change will gravitate toward the possibility of making things better.
Reiterate the positive strengths of the person.
What gets rewarded gets done (#1 Management Principle).
Put the issue in the past.
Never bring it up again unless the problem re-occurs or you use it to affirm positive change and growth.
Realize that nothing takes God by surprise.
God is Omniscient. He knew about this and He allowed it. There is a reason and I can – if I chose – benefit from it.
Ask for wisdom.
From God – James 1:5
From others
Separate the message from the messenger.
This is difficult – the message is more important because of who said it, than what was said.
Don’t be defensive (Prov. 10:17; 12;1; 12:15; 19:25; 23:12; 25:12; 28:13).
Work on the areas of truth.
“There is a kernel of truth in every criticism. Look for it and when you find it, rejoice in its value.” (Dawson Trotman)
Let go of the areas beyond your control.
Seek reconciliation.
Remember – the goal for confrontation is a growing relationship.
Become accountable.
Ecc. 4:9-12, “Two are better than one…If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up!…Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three stands is not quickly broken.”