Noah in 2006

In the year 2006, the Lord came unto Noah, who

was now living in the United States, and said

"Once again, the earth has become wicked and

over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before

me. Build another Ark and save 2 of every living

thing along with a few good humans."

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, "You have

6 months to build the Ark before I will start the

unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw

Noah weeping in his yard - but no Ark.

"Noah!" He roared, "I'm about to start the rain!

Where is the Ark?"

"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things

have changed. I needed a building permit.  I've

been arguing with the inspector about the need

for a sprinkler system.

My neighbors claim that I've violated the

neighborhood zoning laws by building the Ark

in my yard and exceeding the height limitations.

We had to go to the Development Appeal Board

for a decision.

Then the Department of Transportation

demanded a bond be posted for the future costs

of moving power lines and other overhead

obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's

move to the sea.  I told them that the sea would

be coming to us, but they would hear nothing

of it.

Getting the wood was another problem.

There's a ban on cutting local trees in order

to save the spotted owl.  I tried to convince the

environmentalists that I needed the wood to

save the owls - but no go!

When I started gathering the animals, an

animal rights group sued me.   They insisted

that I was confining wild animals against

their will. They argued the accommodation

was too restrictive, and it was cruel and

inhumane to put so many animals in a

confined space.

Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the

Ark until they'd conducted an environmental

impact study on your proposed flood.

I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the

Human Rights Commission on how many

minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building

crew.

Immigration and Naturalization is checking

the green-card status of most of the people who

want to work.

The trades unions say I can't use my sons.

They insist I have to hire only Union workers

with Ark-building experience.

To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my

assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country

illegally with endangered species.

So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least

10 years for me to finish this Ark."

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to

shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky.

Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You

mean you're not going to destroy the world?"

"No," said the Lord. "The government beat

me to it."